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i wake up. it's 5 pm. it doesnt matter what time i wake up. 5 pm, 9 pm, 12 pm, 1 am. it doesnt matter, it ends up the same anyway. i step out of bed, floor creaks. above me is my light. i pull the string.

black light, wings of black light. "black light", contradiction; purple. purple light'd eminate.

stains everywhere, cum stains everywhere. masturbation addiction. its not as bad as people say, you read a lot in the news and from manosphere freaks online how bad it is for you but no one has ever died from masturbation. if you die from masturbation i don't know what to tell you. you are hopeless and pitiful, a bug, if you arent even man enough to cum without croaking. these people should stop reading social media and the news, it does nothing but damage their brains. they all died from heart attacks its unrelated to masturbating actually its really healthy for you, didnt you read the newest study?

they use it as a moral compass, and deride people for vainglory.

pathetic existences, maybe more than mine. hard to say.

no one's ever died from masturbation.

i cut on my screen. i sit on the computer a lot. infront of me, ants, 2073600 ants. ants of fire, burning flame embers ignite and light proliferates, lucious vallies, willow trees sagging, blue rivers flow over, drowning and drenching everything in contact, in sight it proliferates.

it's no coincidence that pixels are RGB. i realized this recently. it's fung shui, it's a chinese thing. that shit where you point furnature in certain directions or something. it's no coincidence we use RGB, it balances it all out. fire, land and water. fire burns the land, the land consumes the water and water drenches fire. this is by design.

i didn't read this anywhere, but it's actually pretty obvious once you realize it.

that's the world we live in, it's all by design. created to maintain a balance, whatever balance that is in that particular context. like a large machine everything has to flow and click together flawlessly with no breakage in link or it all falls apart. it's like a living organism, it is a living organism actually probably?

systems are living, the corporate collective. corporations are deemed to be a "group of people coming together" but it's probably the other way around, the corporation uses the people like a marinette. it tugs the strings and they dance, doing everything they can do feed the life force for this being, it's all seeing and all knowing.

look at the US government, it's a mega-corporation. they put bugs in every internet cable that's ever existed, they spy on every phonecall, they control the world economy. it's an all-seeing eye, watching over everything and controlling most events.

that's not a conspiracy, i think. it's actually real, not in a schizo way but again if you just think about it you quickly realize that it's true.

you can learn a lot from online but you also see a lot of horseshit. go on *chan, go on twitter, go on facebook. it's all a facade really. how many people believe they "see the truth"? remember qanon? how many people really, truly thought there'd be some massacre of democrats who were hogging children all to themselves to rape and sacrifice or whatever? how do people believe this shit, really? it's something I don't think I can ever understand, i cannot empathize with these people. maybe they see some form of hidden truth somewhere, but it's certainly not "my" truth.

i scroll through *chan, dozens of porn threads pollute everything. occassionally you see something funny, but all and all in an enormous waste of my life-clock. but i can't leave this room, so this is my only option. what else am i to do?

when i look outside and see people with jobs, families living their day-to-day lives i get very jealous. i'm XX years old, still without anything that anyone would call "success". of course, i could pin it on a number of blames: I could say I'm depressed, that's it, I'm simply depressed. What can i do, I'm just depressed. but that's not necessarily a great excuse. I should come up with something better. I'm agoraphobic? that can work, maybe, but it's not really true. It's more like I don't have the will to talk to people, not out of spite or anything, i don't really hate anyone.

uhhhh... I'm autistic? that's the new "thing to be" online but that's certainly dishonest in my case, at least i've not been diagnosed. nor do i particularly care. uhhhh i'm... allergic to UV? that's dumb, i'm kind of running out of ideas already.

maybe i can just combine "depressed" and "agoraphobic". actually, i have social anxiety disorder, that'll work. i'm anxious of social situations so I have to sit inside and play video games and read message boards all day. actually, that's perfect and if anyone questions me i can just say they're ableist or something? maybe, hmm. this is difficult. I'll just think about it later.

im not really sure what's actually wrong with me, i guess i never really cared. maybe i am depressed, maybe i am anxious of social situations; maybe i'm just lazy. not really sure. when i do have to engage in social situations, i end up being pretty okay i guess. it's outside of my wheelhouse for sure, but i don't double over and need some squeeze toy to make me normal again. i guess i am just normal.

am i addicted to video games? maybe once upon a time, but i don't know anymore. i can only play them for so long, i don't really gain the same excitement or joy out of them. most of the time i just sit in the chair and scroll through websites.

perhaps im just too comfortable with how things are, despite my jealousy. i've lived this life for XX years. solitude is what i know, it's been my life for decades. i wake up, sit and sleep. it's dark, i'm alone. i never saw the problem.

perhaps others would have an issue with it, but maybe i'm just abnormal. maybe there's something in my brain that makes me prone to this. i dont really think about it because i don't really care.

there's nothing to fix.

when i go back to scrolling, eyes blank, sometimes i come across interesting threads. "chuck-e-cheese pizza conspiracy" as a title, which could either refer to re-using pizzas or chuck-e-cheese personally locking kids in a basement to use as fucktoys later. it's a gamble as i click the link.

"chuck-e-cheese is run by globalist elites who, in chuck-e-cheese suits, go out on the floor and inappropriately touch children while they are playing in the ball pit. this occurred to my cousin last week, i saw chuck schumer in the suit after i removed the head. unfortunately i didn't get a picture or call the police, but i assure you this is true."

">didnt get a picture don't care retard, sage"

"dude, how did you not get a picture? this is CRAZY. i knew something weird was going on."

"Last time I went with my kid, Chuck-e had a bit of a limp. I figured the worker got into some accident, but maybe he was an old politician? Probably a democrat. Thanks for sharing, I'll be sure to let everyone know."

threads like this die pretty quick, i'm not sure if those saying they believe him actually believe him because the userbase of this board went from avg. 20 yo to about 70 yo within the span of a year. the election really did a number of online spaces in general where they went from topicful and talking about a particular thing to now being generalized and everything is talked about all at once and everything is an enormous echo chamber where everyone speaks bullshit all the same time and nobody listens but pretends to then they all spout the same bullshit together after one voice somehow reaches above all the rest.

we've hit cyberpunk. corporations control all online spaces. there's no "punk" in cyberpunk, it's only cyber. where's the punks to save us? are we to pretend right-wing "decentralized platforms" are some miracle cure? they're techno-illiterate, every site they make has a quadrillion+n problems where n is recursive quadrillion problems. they also don't believe in "real" free speech, left-wing people get banned and topics are moderated through their algorithm.

fantasies of blade runner, hackers, the matrix and other media led people to falsely believe there's some savior amongst us that will penetrate the sphere and free everyone from their corporate binds, but i think that the truth is as far as that as possible. people are quite comfortable with the way things are, despite the generated distain. a few may differ, but are they brave enough to do anything?

politicians exist and are a hated breed, how many politicians are killed? the guy who killed shinzo abe had some real balls, he's the real "right-brained creative type". what happened to him? you'd think that sorta thing happens more, you'd think one of the qanon people woulda stepped up, you'd think one of these so-called "antifa" people would have stepped up. antifa during ww2 did a lot of stuff like that. you just think it'd happen more. whether it does or doesn't, doesn't really affect me. i live in my own world kinda.

i look out over my cumstained room. there's trash everywhere. it doesn't really matter, i can't really smell it anymore anyway. who cares? i'm the only one who sees it. it stopped being a problem to me a long time ago.

what politician can change my room? what politician can realistically change my internet? are they going to really affect corporate bottom-line that way? piracy will still exist too, you think i actually buy games? LOL. XD. yeah okay.

i can see one stain leaking from the wall. huh? hmm... ah i remember, THAT video... you know it was good if it made me bust up damn near to the ceiling. good times. that's the good thing about not cleaning up your cum, if you have a good memory you can have a pseudo-LSD flashback to that nut. it's nostalgic, like a warm blanket. maybe that's weird, but i've lost all care. rememberance of me nutting to some japanese woman giving me a titfuck (in my head) vastly outweighs any feeling of "shame" that can possibly arise.

this is what those anti-porn, anti-masturbation people don't tell you. most people masturbate inefficiently. they watch a video, nut, and that's all there is to it. if you're an expert, such as myself, you know there's some tools of the trade to help the experience. you know banana peels, right? take one of those suckers, throw it in the mic for 20 seconds, take it out. careful, let it cooldown. you just created a biodegradeable, one-time use tenga egg. you can fry a fuckin egg on it, so be careful or you'll burn yourself. use that shit and you'll be on cloud-9, like a popper but without the horrible after-scent.

also, you know edging right? ah, i shouldn't have to tell you, but yeah there's a reason why so many dominatrixes do it. if you need help, throw on some "sissy cumslut whore bimbofication ASMR for masturbation and sleep". i grew out of that phase after i reached a certain threshold of mastery, but i swear they help. give it a try, don't let anyone know or anything because you will be bullied you'll be swirlied you'll be tied to the flagpole you'll have your underwear pulled so far up your asshole you'll be shitting cotton for months. also people will just think you're plain weird.

of course you can abandon all shame and tell them anyway, idk i don't advise it though.

whatever the case, this is what they don't tell you. that's just a few tricks, there's dozens. maybe even millions of tricks you can do.

i think they just are anti-masturbation because they suck at it.

the church has always been like that, but i mean come on it's sort of expected. when you're upholding Holiness, it's sort of natural to go after masturbation and sex like it's a bad thing, as if every other Priest isn't nutting to big titted broads getting railed by 8 black dudes. i mean maybe, at least that's what i assume.

not that i'm against watching bit titted broads getting railed by 8 black dudes or anything, i'm not racist or anything like that. it was just the first thing that came to mind, i'm all for equality. i do think it's a little unfair that they're granted such physical superiority, but i guess it is the way it is. not that it matters to me in my current condition, though a little more stamina or the ability to hot-swap my prostate would be nice. chain sessions back-to-back, but i bet it'd probably hurt.

racism is probably just a tool of some 3-letter agency to make everyone hate each other. like the news, the news is just there to make people scared. that's not insightful, i know, but it's true. worse, people know it's true but continue to watch, or worse worse, feel an OBLIGATION to watch and "know what's going on in the world". uhhh, how about go outside? lol. what does it matter what's happening in bumfuck iowa? who cares about a rally 2,000 miles away? go outside and play kick the can instead, you'll find much more joy and pleasure and won't end up hating the world.

you know the CIA invented crack, right? and aids. that's not conspiracy either, it's true you can look it up.

all things considered, i think the world isn't that bad, though i see only a tiny speck. i can choose to believe everything i see online to confirm my world view, but i don't. in fact, i try to go out of my way not to. it'd be a lot easier if i did, that's probably why people do it. it feels good to be right and it's hard to question your beliefs.

ive seen plenty of those "atheist vs christian" debate videos and they always go nowhere. i don't really see the point, it's not much of a "discussion" but one side trying to show "the truth" to the other. im not going to go into some stupid etimology of truth thing, i don't want to sound like a pseud nor do i wish to feel like one.

my truth is the one i see with my own eyes, that's probably why i'm so skeptical. i see what i see online, but i don't really see it. online isn't tangible, pictures aren't something i can physically be there for. i can choose to believe every other thing i see on *chan and become some crazy freak, but i don't know. maybe i'm a hypocrite after writing "the cia invented crack and aids", but you can FEEL that's true, right? i mean, there's documents proving it but without it you can just FEEL it. i'm sure you can. you read the words "the CIA invented crack and aids" and your brain instantly goes "eh yeah that seems about right". i don't need to prove it.

your instincts have evolved for millions of years to lead to the conclusion that the CIA created crack to destroy black communities and invented aids to kill LGBT revolutions.

isn't that kinda sick? despite all the attempts to force-feed you bullshit through a news-tainted filter, you can see those words and instantly know something is right. if your brain is screaming "uhhh, proof?" then you have been afflicted. the media's wrongfulness has brought you to a point where you require proof for everything, you may need to see if the sky is blue just to make sure i'm telling you the truth.

of course, you shouldn't take anything in here for granted or as absolute truth. as stated, I'm just some weird neet. but, you should really trust your instincts, don't deny them. people talk about "gut feeling" all the time, "awww MAAAAAN i shoulda gone with my gut." yeah you should have, now look at you! now you're an abject loser with nothing to his name! AH HA HA HAAAAAAAA!!!!!! too bad. go work in a sweatshop, go see how millions of chinese people have to suffer.

idk much about the uigher problem. uygher? idk lol all i know is it's pronounced like a sorta racial slur. but yea it's hard to trust anything. i don't doubt they're being used as slave labor though.

i mean, realistically, the chinese economy is based on slave labor. you don't even need to look at those guys, look at regular old chinese people. millions of rural chinese economically forced to live in dormatories to wake up and work putting capacitors on a board for an iphone that some bougie, 23 year old blonde bimbo will use to take pictures on snapchat and instagram. that must suck knowing that, honestly the chinese probably hate us for enabling their condition.

but no corporation cares, they just want a bottomline. see, you don't really KNOW that but you can FEEL it, right? it's there, in your tummy, in your head and in your heart. you can feel that's right, because it just makes sense. you don't need a 3,000 word scientific study, it's just OBJECTIVELY correct within your own world.

probably not much you can do to change it, which is disheartening. maybe that's what leads to me to seclude myself in this room, because i feel like i can't do much to actually change the world. let's say i'm trained in gorilla warfare and the top sniper in the entire US armed forces and i choose to be apart of some group. what the hell am i actually doing? im a small piece of a pie, my existence there probably won't have any effect whether i'm there or not. it feels hopeless.

i could do something crazy, like burn down some building or kill someone important to get my fame or notoriety stat up, but i'm too docile for that, way too docile. i'm actually really docile, i don't think i'd participate in any of that. i just want a comfortable life really. i see the suffering of people, but i don't feel there's much i can do and therefore i revert to my comfortable life.

i have no skills, no training, nothing. i have no will to get them either. i'm sort of stuck. i could choose to feel really shitty about that, but i don't. i could choose to have all this, for lack of a better term, "worldliness", drag me down. but, why would i do that purposefully? that feels disingenuine.

i'm here in my room, that's the only truth that i can see with my two-eyes right at this current moment. i'm content with that.

so instead, i think i'll play games, bust and scroll *chan some more. maybe i'll light up a cigarette and watch some animu, who knows.

maybe im just lying to myself after all.