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maybe ill delete this when i wake up or maybe i wont idk i feel like im sobered up to own pressing on this one, maybe ill be really embarrassed.

coming down off a very strength 25e trip which usually makes me want to write things even if its something g*y like a """blog post"""; and i already spammed one (two) discords with enough retarded bullshit so ill write it here so i can look back later and complain about how retarded i am

ive always been fascinated with ppl (especially online) with schizophrenia, literally as long as i can remember. long before i was diagnosed w/ schizotypal w.e. (luckily im not schizophrenic, most ppl seem to think this when i tell them schizotypal hence why i never tell anyone anymore well talking about ur mental illnesses is kinda gay anyway honestly lol something in my brain repulses me away from the idea of talking about mental health or sexuality w/ ppl. its like putting the north side of two magnets together.) something just connected me to these ppl. they were so fascinating, and they reminded me of myself in ways. dont know how to explain, like way they'd make connection and how they vocalized them reminded me of how i do. is empathy the right word? i honestly confuse the words for sympathy and empathy and im too into this to google it idc how stupid it makes me look lol. this is really hard to explain, but there is some genuineness and some sort of gay and retarded connection i have to actual schizos. maybe its some gay psychedelics spirit shit, idk, maybe its just some shit where "i know how it is bro" or something, even if i'm not remotely as bad as them and my breaks from reality have been extremely short in comparison (hopefully i wont ever be as bad, its like 10% over time? worse if you smoke meth) it's like with the psycore genre, the way it is, it's just something i get; it feels like some sort of musical reflection of my head (even totally sober.) once i heard "mother queen" by mirror me, it instantly attracted me to this genre unlike anything i can remember. its hard to fight the idea that it's actually "made for me", i.e., the genre was created with sole intention of me finding it, that the genre was made to accurate reflect my thought patterns; that it's creation was done, physically, to tangibly, somehow, sorta talk to me? in that, it's sole purpose for existence+creation for me to personally identify with? i can look at that and go "thats retarded, illogical", but it's very difficult. this whole part was jus cathartic and backstory; it's not important and i dont wanna get into some gay therapy session about myself especially on an online fuckhole account, all that's needed is my experience in schizo-watching and my sorta ESP w/ them.

(these are aspects of myself that i very intentionally keep interalized and repressed, as i very genuinely strive to be normal (as normal as possible, anyway)) writing this post certainly counter-intuitive, but it feels like a therapy i have to do? dunno. anything spiritual, religious or occult that has happened to me, any affinity towards these things i tend to instantly drown out. i do genuinely believe in what is typically "normal" but there's always lingering feelings especially in cases of my mental thing poking through. it's this overwhelming thought i can feel in my stomach/esophagus, sometimes it feels liek its genuinely "speaking" to me or sending thoughts into my head. sometimes it's just a flash of nothing. (i.e., growing up catholic, abandoned that in my teens very quickly, tho ive taken my attraction towards catholic "aesthetics" and culture as a sign of God talking to me, like finding those things were God talking directly to me. that maybe my attraction to benedictine music is the attraction that God sending me messages through the song? dont know how to explain. i guess ive learned to fight that stuff when it does hapen, or try to look rationally. even tho i was a fucking pariah in many ways in my teens from such things (especially re:paranoia, government interference/intercepting of my thoughts & internet)) this part made me better. the point being, i'm normal even if my past and my pre-existing condition would say i'm not. i genuinely do feel normal, and i guess on psychs and dissos im more open to expressing that side of me i repress in a way. i guess keeping it in is hard since i dont talk to anyone about it cause it's really fucking gay? i instantly turn off of anything like that, literally like log off dont touch the net for months type of thing. i do feel better after typing this, for sure, but it'll be really embarrassing when i wake up. pot committed i guess, one day it'll be funny to go back and read even if i hid away all my psychotic writings from my teens under lock and key (legit get physically ill even thinking about em but theres one thtas really cool i think about sometimes id never open it tho)

i tend to edit my posts a bunch, i guess on psychs i feel less self-conscious about editing my posts to make them seem more logical. as well, i can be as overelaborate and more open? of a stream of my thought, even more than my posts usually are (which are like all of them) disinhibition i guess. this really got off the rails back to my point of making this shit lolllllllllllll.

on twitter, via the """cultural imposition of importance of social media in online culture""", you have an identity attached and i guess ego dictates that you "own" that account, and those posts; i.e., it's a reflection of yourself. many people have tried to usurp this by creating a character (ive done this in past; (tho, for anonimity)) with many using "irony" as a shield. not as "ironic meme culture" in this case necessarily, but "ironic schizophrenia". that's not to say they're larping as "truly schizophenic" (or psychotic,) necessarily, but they are taking similar things from the playbook. it's almost a competition to see who can out-do each other in how absurd they go down the imaginary rabbit-hole. look at all the personas done by ppl with self-diagnosed mental disorders. look how none of them on their personas are normal, and the ones who are aren't remotely popular. accelerationism is just an easy example, but it's everywhere; notably, in ironic meme page admins which has pretty much gone on to define an entire generation's humor.

upon reflection like... online imageboards had just a "use once and destroy" mentality; if a thread made you mad, just turn off the computer. if you got owned, what's it matter, no ones gonna know it was you unless you tripfagged anyway? tripfagging, in this case, was the predecessor to the gay retarded pseudo-schizo posters (i wont count forums or LJ's, as those were integrated tight-knit communities with little to no interplay.) twitter took the art of the 4chan page 0 refresh mentality, and demasked every anon; by proxy, making what they say valuable.

the problem w/ the pseudo-schizo posters is it is very obviously ingenuine, and a shield for a lack of self-confidence or something. it's under a huge guide of "i'm actually crazy!! -> it's just ironic shitposting -> it's ironic ironic shitposting! -> i troll u!! insert epic troll face dot jpeg" but their entire persona, their entire life is consumed by some online spectacle; molded like entirely by memetic culture. it comes across as so self-hatred, they admonish people who are slaves to social media spectacle yet genuinely believe themselves above it (instead of relishing in the fact that every1 is apart of it and bitching about others is just therapeutic to someones own attachment) (i feel like if they read this a quick defense would be "wow ur taking my character seriously? online? fufufu" b4 they realize that they have (((((((hyperstitionally lol))))))) become their own character. (i can see some retarded buzzword response, "no i made u )))))hyperstitionally((((( impose my character onto my true self which is totally obfuscated hahahaaahahah retard!!!" (they actually believe this btw on social media but they dont care btw also ur owned))

i guess if i were to put it into really f*ggy terms, it'd be using memetics as a weapon (hijacking schizophrenia under the guise of "deleuzean ownage" (not a joke this is what these people ACTUALLY believe!)) against memetic weapons against memetic weapons; or so they'd want you to believe thru their 800 iq supergenius play, but it's really just an online persona to make up for the fact that they're uninteresting and have personal issues (insecurities, lack of self worth) they've yet to face. they're all genuine freaks (not in a cool way!) they all have genuine issues they mask online instead of just being a true based schizo and accepting and projecting them. instead of projecting their true self, actually accepting themselves to a deterritorialized singularity like they larp as being ("""k-gods""" lol (gay)) they sacrifice their character into the arena of online spectacle, whilst overwriting the self they hate irl w/ the character that's being used as an online minstrel show. it's wholly human, and unschizophrenic. the only winning move is not to play.

addendum: the worst part is, you can just tell these people don't try to explore themselves. i feel like if many of these ppl genuinely did psychs with the intent of repairing themselves, it'd help them a lot. if you've ever seen people, non-schizophrenic people, with burned out brains from psych+disso+heavy drug use... they're another breed. i love these people, not because """based psychonaut""", i actually really fucking pity them for their decisions. but more for what they have to have experienced to keep looking, you know? with all the experiences, they kept going in and in and in. maybe they just lost the plot somewhere.

Addendum 2 on my phone lol like I get these fleeting moments of wanting to be in a relationship, but the desires gone so quick. I think deep down, internally, I really don't have any desire for it at all. Maybe I need to just accept that instead of hoping to feel an urge for it? Like obv if I meet someone amazing I'd prob go for it, but I feel like I'm jus not made for it. So much stuff working to get me taken out of the gene pool! :))))

addendum 3, not actually embarrassed by this i think. even if its rubber fuckhole stupid social media bullshit site, still felt good and cathartic. based n breadpilled????